DIET RULES FOR CHEATERS(Unknown)

•If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

• If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda.

• When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do.

• Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.

• If you fatten up everyone else around you,

• Movie related foods (Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.

• Cookie pieces contain no fat — the process of breaking causes fat leakage.

• Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife while making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon while making a sundae.

• Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate.NOTE: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.

• Foods that are frozen have no calories because calories are units of heat. Examples are ice cream, frozen pies, and popsicles.

Top Ten Reasons Women Prefer Guns Over Men

The Top Ten Reasons Women Prefer Guns Over Men

10. A gun doesn't mind if you stop and ask for directions.

9. A gun doesn't ever reek of beer or cigars

8. A gun won't pout if you have a headache.

7. A gun always enjoys going out with you and will never ask “Do we have to go there again?”

6. You can buy fancy new grips for your gun and it won't complain about how they look or fit.

5. A gun doesn’t leave dirty socks or underwear in a pile next to the hamper.

4. A gun doesn't come with an ex-wife or a mother.

3. Guns never have comb-overs, beer bellies, or rear cleavage.

2. A gun will never ignore you in favor of watching sports.

AND THE TOP REASON.....

1. Guns don't hog the TV remote!

The Top Ten Reasons Men Prefer Guns Over Women

The Top Ten Reasons Men Prefer Guns Over Women

#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4. Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3. A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman....

#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN

Blind Man and Dog

One day, a blind man and his dog are walking down a street, they come to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man out into the thick of traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.

The blind man and his dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket, and offers it to the dog.

A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!"

The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his butt."

Preaching to a Bear

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment.

They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it. Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mother of God, he became gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

Architect Went To Heaven

An architect died and was standing at the gates of heaven.

Saint Peter: What are you doing here?

Architect: Well I’d like in.

Saint Peter: But I don’t have you on the list.

Architect: But, I was good all my life, went to church. I lived a good life.

Saint Peter: Well I don’t have you on our list. You have to go to hell.

So the architect went to hell.

Devil: So what did you do during your life on earth?

Architect: I was an architect. I built skyscrapers, malls, bridges. All kind of things.

Devil: Good, you can come in and work here.

So the architect started working there. He built many structures and improved hell immensely.

One day God called up the Devil.

God: So how are things there in hell?

Devil: They couldn’t be better. We got this architect here and he has built all kind of things. We have 2 shopping malls. Bridges to earth, tall buildings. All kinds of things he has done.

God: Well we need him up here then.

Devil: Well you can’t have him. He’s ours.

God: Okay, then I’m going to sue then.

Devil: Fat chance, where are you going to find a lawyer?