Seen on Bumper Stickers

Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.

HELP! The paranoids are after me.

Eat right, exercise daily, live clean, die anyway.

Did it ever occur to you health nuts that the extra years you're adding on are spent running and exercising?

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...

Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

Wink, I'll do the rest!

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.

2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.

I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.

All generalizations are false.

Cover me. I'm changing lanes.

I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.

Horn broken. Watch for finger.

Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.

I brake for no apparent reason.

Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.

I'm not as think as you drunk I am.

Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.

Rehab is for quitters.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep.

All men are idiots, and I married their King.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

Forget the Joneses, I keep us up with the Simpsons.

Born free...Taxed to death.

I love cats...they taste just like chicken.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.

Work is for people who don't know how to fish.

Montana -- At least our cows are sane!

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

If you don't like the news, go out and make some.

When you do a good deed, get a receipt--in case heaven is like the IRS..

Sorry, I don't date outside my species.

Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.

Tell me to 'stuff it' - I'm a taxidermist. No radio - Already stolen.

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?

IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.

Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from?

How can I miss you if you won't go away?

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

i souport publik edekashun.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

Honk if you see parts falling.

I LOVE MY JOB

Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.

Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radioStation 103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.

Hi Sue,Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last weekI had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It is a wet suit. This time of year, the water is quite cool. So what we do to keepWarm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony, I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.

Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn'tPoop for two days because my butt was swollen shut. So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.

Now repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.'Now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day? May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day!!!!!

I LOVE MY JOB